Hey Kyiv, who's ready to have some fun?
We have some events happening - the details are here
This is a very Kyiv-focused post for my Kyivite friends with details of next week’s book events. However, stick around for an amusing tale of woe at the end, about how I almost lost my wallet (because of my poor genetics) and now have two fewer books to sell because of it. And as usual, I’ve tried to be witty and have used plenty of fun new vocabulary to keep everyone entertained.
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?
Our first event: Monday, 5 August, from 6-8pm, Urban Space 500, Borysa Hrinchenka St 9.
I’m certain many of you know of this place, and I must thank Nastia, a former student from about ten years ago, for the recommendation (so if you don’t like the venue, you can blame her!).
I’m new to these types of things – it’s my first of hopefully a few more similar events – so who knows how it will go. Please feel free to show up early, mingle (students – pretend you’re in the pre-Covid days at your choice of language school, doing one of those contrived activities where teachers force you to stand up, walk around and talk to your classmates, pretending you’re interested in what they have to say until the 10 minutes are up, except in this case, there won’t be any painful error correction that wastes another 10 minutes afterwards and only applies to the one or two students who keep making the same idiotic mistakes), have a drink (or two or even more – it will probably enhance things from your perspective – feel free to buy me a drink too). It’s spacious, and you can hang out outside as well. And stick around afterwards, nobody is being kicked out at 8pm sharp. If I’m in the mood I might even sign a few books.
There’s seating capacity for 65 and if more people show up (ha ha, dream on), then you can stand (or sit on the other side of the bar, which is probably a good idea anyway so you can get served faster). I hope no one is disappointed and perhaps I’m being over optimistic, but if there isn’t room for you, fret not – I will have further events (and if you aren’t able to get in, blame Nastia again – she said to think of how many people I expect to come and then cut it in half).
On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I’m planning on having some more casual get-togethers, at bookshops and cafés to be determined. To use one of my favourite idioms, we’ll play it by ear. If, for whatever reason, you’re unable to make it Monday, then join me in the following days. I’m planning to have a morning coffee gathering, a late afternoon/early evening drinks shindig and then either another coffee meetup or a more raucous evening beano. And I’ll do my best to use normal words, avoiding language like shindig, chinwag, beano and bacchanalian bonhomie. Whatever, I’m just happy to see people in various locations.
And stay tuned, but I very well may be returning later this month or early autumn for more events. I’ve had some promising leads, but I’ll need to arrange those further in advance.
Let’s talk about the price (and discounts)
My sincere apologies to non-Kyivites who have already so graciously bought the paperback, but I’d like to offer my book at a discounted price to my dear Ukraine-based friends.
There are a couple of new bookshops that didn’t exist the last time I was here. So I perused the shelves to get an idea of what books similar to mine are priced at. Spoiler alert: there are no books like mine! I played a mean trick on a couple of sales assistants and asked them, “Do you have any books written for language learners but also interesting to others, talking about learning and improving your English but written in an amusing and engaging way with stories and not like the usual boring textbooks?” In two places (Sens and Readeat), the assistants said something like “hmm, no, we don’t, but that sounds interesting” and one of them said “actually, we get people coming in and asking for books like that,” before I took out my book and showed it to them saying, “Hey look at this, it’s that kind of book!” (seriously, is there anyone in Kyiv that wants to be my agent? I think I’m marketing this thing all wrong.)
When I apologised to one of them for my chicanery, she said, “no, no it’s okay, it’s a good idea, I was impressed.” Okay, sure, perhaps she’s just being nice, but hey, it made me feel like I’m doing something right.
(Seconds later, an air raid siren went off, and no one in the shop moved a muscle. Some people casually glanced at their phones. This was late morning on my first day. Welcome back to Kyiv.)
The non-fiction books I looked at were in the 600–800 hryvna range (approx. $14.50-$19). But the non-fiction books by Ukrainian authors, published locally, were significantly less. A Classroom in Kyiv retails on Amazon for $17.99 (the eBook is only $9.99 – hint, hint). I think that’s steep for the Ukrainian market. And let’s be honest, I can hardly compare myself to the likes of Malcolm Gladwell, Daniel Kahneman, Steven Pinker, Tim Ferriss, James Clear and Archibald Preston Thurgood III (a less well-known author, famous for such books as Aristocracy and its Discontents, Inheriting a Dynasty, and Poppycocks: The Unabridged History of Total Tomfoolery). I noticed the books on offer were quite heavily written by men. Interesting…
Anyway, you don’t need to buy or read most of those books. Trust me – save your time and money and get mine instead. I noticed Atomic Habits on prominent display in a few places. I know it’s a well-loved book and a huge bestseller, but seriously, do you really need to read a 300-page book about…habits? Let me summarise it for you: establish good habits, don’t be lazy, spend a bit of time each doing something productive, don’t worry about goals if you’re not sure, just be consistent and don’t slack off. There you go, you’re welcome. And the next time anyone is thinking about reading Atomic Habits, tell them not to bother (and to read my book instead).
Disclosure: I’ve not read Atomic Habits. I couldn’t get past the Introduction. But as my wise-ass brother-in-law would say, the book is almost certainly pretty “self-explanatory.”
I’m going to offer my book for 625 hryvna. BUT…read on – I’m going to force you to read a tale of woe from earlier today before you can find out how to save up to 20% off that price.
How I almost lost my wallet, all because of my father (I’m blaming genetics)
One more disclosure: I haven’t told my parents I’m in Kyiv. I’ve temporarily blocked them from Facebook and de-subscribed them from this Substack. They won’t notice. I hope. So I can talk shit about my dear old man and he’ll never know.
After a long, productive day involving lots of walking around and ‘networking,’ I was capping my day off with a modest meal of some fish and a glass of Ukrainian white wine. My daughter was hanging out with my father-in-law, and it was time to go and pick her up. The bill came. I couldn’t find my wallet. I searched and searched. Nothing.
Panic.
Many of my long-time loyal readers will know about my technophobia and rants about the evils of technology. Well, even your dear author has embraced the world of Google Pay and its wallet function, which I’d been using on this trip. And suddenly, it wouldn’t work. For the first time it was asking me for two-step verification and oh boy is this a long and incredibly boring story that I won’t bore you with. But I’ve had so many issues the past few months with trying to set up PayPal and Stripe (and various other accounts) and this wretched two-step verification. Don’t get me wrong – it’s a worthwhile thing and it’s important to protect yourself. But when you live in Austria, have UK and US bank accounts that demand mobile numbers for two-step verification (believe me, I’ve repeatedly tried to change this to having an email address as a back-up, but then it suddenly defaults back to the mobile number, even after I’ve updated it)…I don’t have a UK or US mobile. I can’t set up these things in Austria because I don’t pay taxes there. It’s such a pain in the ass. And look, I’ve said I wouldn’t bore you with this and yet…
I couldn’t pay. I panicked.
And I thought. And I retraced my steps from earlier. I called one of the bookshops I’d been in, where I bought a couple of cool Kyiv alphabet posters. Relief! They had my wallet. I ran back to get it, leaving a copy of my book as collateral, even though they said, “no, no, we trust you, it’s fine.” I insisted. I raced back to get my wallet. I offered my profuse thanks to the sales assistant who’d sold me the posters earlier (and who patiently put up with my ‘attempts’ to generate interest in my book). I wanted to offer something as a thank you. So I said, “please, take my book, read it.” And she did (and then I not so modestly signed it).
I raced back to the restaurant, which wasn’t terribly close, and I was already worn out from a long day of walking. I thanked them profusely and said, “please, take my book, read it.” And the manager thanked me and told me she would read it. So I now have two fewer books to sell, which I hope won’t prove to be a problem Monday night…if I run out of books, I shall be back, do not worry.
(Students, notice what I’ve done there? “I offered my profuse thanks…I thanked them profusely…” Take note.)
Why is this my father’s fault?
Let’s face it: every father (it’s usually the father, right?) is losing his keys, his wallet, etc. That’s all par for the course (hey, it’s one of those underused but useful sporting idioms!). But did you know that my father left my little sister all alone at a post office when she was around five years old for about an hour? Yeah, what kind of father would do that? You see, it’s not my fault.
Thankfully, my daughter doesn’t read these posts yet. Otherwise, she’d be able to tell you about the time I left her on the Bratislava train station platform, but I swear, that was only for two minutes, and I didn’t forget her. I had forgotten one of our bags on the train and ran back on to get it.
Shut up Daniel, what about our discount?
Fine. If you already subscribe to this Substack, you get 10% off. If you don’t, then do the sensible thing and subscribe and you too can get 10% off. You also have to promise to put up with my crap and read every post to the end.
Do you want another 10% off? Then you either have to say one of the following two sentences to me on Monday evening (or in the days after):
“Even though I know your book is probably full of nonsense, I’d like to buy it anyway. And just to make it even more worthless, can you sign it?”
“Damn it Daniel, give me a friggin’ 10% discount, won’t you?!”
That’s not so hard, is it? You do these two easy things, and it brings the price down to a mere 500 hryvna, which is just over $12, well below the retail price. That leaves me with roughly the price of a beer per book in royalties.
And for any of my non-Kyiv friends, if you’re still reading at this point, stay tuned. We may have upcoming book tour trips to Copenhagen, Hamburg, Munich, Bucharest and Dublin in the coming months.
Goodness gracious, look at that – over 2000 words of nonsense, all to tell you that I’ve finally managed to arrange an event for Monday night. I promise, the book is better than this.
How could I forget?
For those lucky enough to make it, you might even get a bonus reading from the Pig of Happiness from my little girl.
Nooo way, are you comin' to Bucharest?! When? Should I bring something to sign it or are you coming prepared? No, I haven't buyed yet, but since you are travelling all the way from Austria