In Search of a Job, I Found...a Frog?

A job fair misadventure featuring bad coffee and no hope - there’s always Plan F(rog)

At least I got some free pens out of it

A FEW WEEKS ago I attended a job fair in Vienna.

Why, you may ask?

The reason should be obvious - in order to gather some material for a post, of course.

What, you think it was to actually find a job?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

The first hurdle to stand in my way – surely this was fate messing with me:

I texted a good friend in Ukraine, a coffee connoisseur, and asked her what I should do.

Her response:

“definitely coffee market…more coffee, less work”

I unwisely ignored her advice. I actually thought I might be able to wrangle some type of gainful employment out of this.

But then I walked into the hall and saw fate playing its nasty game with me again:

Workers of the world…drink coffee!

Anyway, the coffee festival wasn’t free and the job fair was, so that was me sold.

Here was the scene awaiting me as I entered the cavernous hall:

Good lord, where to begin?

I grabbed a coffee and took a seat so I could gather my thoughts.

I’ve made some lousy decisions in my life – who hasn’t, come on? – but this might’ve been the worst:

Talk about tempting fate – the coffee gods (and my friend’s spirit) did this deliberately to wind me up. This was a wretched cup of coffee. It was almost like with the coffee festival next door, they decided to make the foulest coffee possible just to rub it in.

“Here you go, job seeking suckers, this is what you’re trying to escape from – cheap and shitty coffee.”

If that wasn’t enough incentive to find a proper paying job…

Once I’d digested the coffee (barely), I reckoned I needed to walk around and actually make an attempt to talk to people.

I know beggars can’t be choosers, but…all these jobs are so bloody boring. Insurance. Banks. Government agencies. Transport-related stuff (I don’t know). And…water supplies?

Do you offer any perks? Yes, free water. Lots of it.

Now this looks more interesting:

Am I actually looking for employment, you ask? Yes, I am. But not the kinds of things on offer here. These were mainly serious, full-time gigs with pension plans and actual responsibilities. No thanks – this isn’t what a proper writer does.

My criteria, short and simple:

• Part-time (need time to write)

• In person (have to get away from my computer and move around more)

• Paying money (preferably)

• Not requiring too much strenuous thought or major decision-making (obviously)

• Not requiring German language skills (no comment…shame on me…)

That’s it – is this too much to ask?

After making small talk with some dude working for some financial-looking entity I realised I wasn’t going to find much to my liking.

Dude: ‘Hallo, you speak German, ja?’

DP: ‘It’s pretty lousy.’

Dude: ‘Lousy, vat does that mean?’

DP: ‘Never mind, what kind of jobs do you have?’

Dude: ‘Ja, fery (sic) good jobs, ve offer vonderfool positions vith wunderbar benefits.’

DP: ‘Part-time?’

Dude: ‘Nein, fool-time, in fery lofely office vith fery nice fiews out za vindov.’

I made a few pointless videos for Instagram –not knowing what else to do – and then stumbled upon the Central European University. Okay, here we go, this is more my kind of environment.

DP: ‘Do I need to speak any German and do you offer part-time positions?’

Lady: ‘No, you don’t need any German at all, and we have various academic positions.’

DP: ‘Great, I’m looking for something part-time, requiring very little thought or initiative, where I can read during downtime, preferably with free coffee and bagels on offer, what have you got?’

Lady: ‘Hmm…well…’ (unsure of how to answer this) ‘…not really anything like that. Do you have a science background? We’re looking for a few researchers in chemistry and physics, would you be interested in…hey, wait, come back, don’t run away, what’s wrong?’

Just when I was feeling utterly hopeless…a ray of light. I spotted my opportunity at last:

THIS! This is ideal! It matches my criteria to a T.

Young man: ‘Hallo, do you need help?’

DP: ‘Well, yeah, I need a ton of help, but that’s a story for another time.’

Young man: ‘Sorry, I mean-’

DP: ‘Yes, I am interested in this job – are you hiring for this?’

Young man: ‘You mean, green frog-like creature?’

DP: ‘Sure, or some other costume, I don’t care.’

Young man: ‘These are mascot jobs for students, you are maybe too old?’

DP: (ignoring the blatant ageism) ‘I have to be a student?’

Young man: ‘No, you can try it, you don’t need to speak to anyone, it’s just usually a student job.’

DP: ‘I don’t care, it looks interesting, where do I apply?’

Green frog: ‘It is very hot in this costume, are you sure?’

DP: ‘Whoa now, nice try frog, you aren’t going to dissuade me from this, afraid of some competition, eh?’

Green frog: ‘I’m not a frog.’

At this point in life, I think I’m onto plan E or F, so stay tuned for any developments in this space. My applications are in, and I’m waiting with bated breath next to my phone, hoping for the ping of a message to tell me to come for my interview.

At the very least, it should provide some decent writing material.

This could be me - and talk about killing two birds with one stone, eh?

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Halloween & Spooky Season reading

There’s only one spooky read here, Carmilla, but here’s a look at some of what I’m currently reading.

We’ve also got We Have Always Lived in the Castle (Shirley Jackson) on tap, and I’ve been dipping some Edgar Allan Poe short stories for the first time since my school days. Another excellent read I’ve just started is Monsters: What Do We Do with Great Art By Bad People? (Claire Dederer), which is scary in a non-Halloween way.

Looking for an underrated terrifying tale? This short story by Ambrose Bierce will send a few shivers down your spine:

An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge

(Set during the American Civil War, “An Occurrence at Owl Creek” is Bierce’s most famous short story. It was first published in the San Francisco Examiner in 1890.)

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Daniel Puzzo is a long-time English as a Foreign Language teacher, author, shining wit (and lover of spoonerisms), and budding social media superstar (haha). If you would like to support him (thanks!), he’s written a few books, and they’re available from your preferred retailer. Actually, that’s not entirely true: only A Classroom in Kyiv is (and in print) but the other ones are currently only available as ebooks at Amazon or directly from him: danielpuzzo.com