Meet Groucho Marks: The Cantankerous Curmudgeon Behind My Debut Novel
This Miserable Character Gets His Own Platform
My next post will be chapter 1 of my long-anticipated (haha) debut novel. Even though it is purely a work of fiction, the character of one of the teachers, Groucho Marks, is loosely based on a real person. To introduce him to the (literary) world, I was lucky enough to secure an interview with Groucho himself, who has just started his very own newsletter on Substack, The Cantankerous Curmudgeon.
I asked Groucho why he decided to start this newsletter, his philosophies in life, and why he thinks being a curmudgeon is the key to happiness and satisfaction.
DP: Thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions.
GM: Let’s make this quick.
DP: I’ll do my best. So, why now?
GM: Why now what?
DP: Why now to start this newsletter? What’s inspired you?
GM: You’ve written a book with me in it and I want to make sure there’s no character assassination, and that I’m portrayed accurately. Dorothy Parker said that “it’s easier to write about those you hate - just as it’s easier to criticize a bad play or a bad book.” I don’t want you sullying my reputation.
DP: I hardly think that’s possible. You’re already a miserable misanthrope and from what you’ve told me, you don’t plan to dispel any of those stereotypes. Am I right that you’re ready to unleash all sorts of unhinged ranting and raving onto the world?
GM: Right you are. I’ve been bottling things up for way too long, I’m a pressure cooker ready to explode. I need to get these words out there. No more of this happy clappy nonsense, it’s time to face up to the harsh realities of this cruel and wretched world we live in and confront them head on. Enough is enough, I say!
DP: Wonderful, I’m sure my readers and anyone else ‘lucky’ enough to read your work are in for a treat. But surely, Groucho, isn’t there enough negativity and grumpiness already? Shouldn’t we be focusing on the positives and making the world a better place?
GM: Who the hell are you, Marcus Aurelius? I am focusing on making the world a better place you dingbat. I’m not just planning to whinge and grumble about the sorry state of affairs. Oh no, I have solutions and I’m tired of the band-aid/plaster approach.
DP: What do you mean?
GM: What is it that old cretin Marcus says? “If they’ve injured you, then they’re the ones who suffer for it. But have they?”
How about instead of dealing with the symptoms we get to the root cause? It’s all fine and good to say it’s about our reactions to the idiotic things people do, but instead of merely dealing with it, let’s root it out at the source and turn others into better people. You see, I’m motivated by lofty ideals. Laugh at me all you want, but I think people could be a lot nicer and more considerate, but some need to be taught a harsh lesson in the process. They need to suffer for it first. And you can’t argue with old Marcus now, right?
DP: No, you can’t. But then again, “it’s silly to try to escape other people’s faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own.” You’re a man of contradictions, you know that?
GM: No. I’m not. If you want to play the ‘let’s quote Aurelius’ game, how about one more: “And why should we feel anger at the world? As if the world would notice!” Well damn it, the world needs to notice!
DP: Give me an example.
GM: Yep. Once, on the metro or underground or subway or whatever the hell it’s called, it was rush hour and public transport in general, I mean, let’s face it, this is where you’ll find most of humanity’s most egregious offences, people really bring out their worst sides, pushing and shoving and being general dunderheads. I was trying to get onto the escalator when I was savagely elbowed out of the way and shouted at by a fierce granny.
I wasn’t going to take this nonsense from that old biddy. So I gave her a piece of my mind, but in a dignified and civilised manner (DP: yeah, sure…). I had to let her know that what she’d done was wrong. If you just let those things go and accept it, that won’t change her behaviour. She’ll keep doing it. Again and again.
DP: Wait, so you think just by blowing up at someone you can change their behaviour? Are you nuts? I hardly think she’s going to reflect on her actions and say, “You know, I was a right old cow, I’m going to show more respect on public transport from now on, he had a valid point.”
GM: I’m not finished. How about waiting until I’m done, eh? So, this granny had her granddaughter with her. After my mini tirade, she asked her granny why I was so angry. And her granny told her that I was just a grumpy curmudgeon – guilty as charged – and to ignore me. The little girl didn’t seem to like either this answer or what her grandmother had done. She looked up at me with sorrowful eyes and said, simply, “sorry,” with what sounded like genuine remorse. That little girl, I would like to think, will grow up to be more respectful and considerate to others. Had I not lashed out, then who knows…she might have thought what her grandmother did was acceptable. It’s not.
DP: Okay, fair point. Any more examples?
GM: Oh, plenty, but that one will suffice for now. I need to save my juicier stories for my own newsletter. I’d hate to bore your readers any more with my tomfoolery.
DP: I do that anyway most of the time, don’t worry about it. My readers probably aren’t even reading this far anyway. Let’s move on then. Other than supposedly improving humanity, what else do you plan to write about?
GM: You said I was a man of contradictions, so here’s another one for you: the beauty of silver linings. I may be a grouch, but I’m not unhappy. Life is a crazy and chaotic place and the world drives me bonkers, but I look for the fun and positives in any situation. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can. Silver linings, old boy, silver linings. Even the worst situations have them, if you know where to look.
I like to laugh at the absurdities of the world, and people. Let’s try to have fun with things if we can. A bit of humour and sarcasm can go a long way in alleviating our suffering.
DP: So you have lofty aims, I see. But I still think a lot of people don’t like negativity and too much complaining. Are you worried people won’t be interested in your screeds?
GM: “Do unto others as they do unto you.” That’s what I say.
DP: Are you religious?
GM: No, do I have to be to quote the Bible? Aren’t you an English teacher? There are loads of biblical phrases we use, it doesn’t mean people are religious, does it?
DP: No, I was just asking.
GM: I like to taste of the forbidden fruit, I’m never afraid to cast the first stone, and I will go the extra mile to inform my readers of all the-
DP: Okay, I get it, I get it, you like to use biblical references, I under-
GM: I hate being interrupted! How dare you interrupt me! You see, this is what I mean, this is the kind of thing I need to get off my chest. I have tons and tons of pet hates, peeves, bugbears, whatever you want to call them, and it’s time the world took notice.
DP: I apologise. Sincerely.
GM: Apology accepted, don’t do it again. I want to finish my point. The whole ‘do unto others’ thing, an eye for an eye, et cetera. I love hearing about other people’s complaints. It’s fun, it’s enlightening, it’s amusing. I don’t delight in the misfortune of others or anything, I’m not that horrible (DP: you be the judge), I just enjoying hearing rants. And so I’m sure some will also enjoy mine. I’m trying to do a public service, you know.
DP: I have no doubt.
GM: By the way, you’re no saint – didn’t you have some angry tirade recently published in some literary journal?
DP: No, really, it’s best if I don’t share that. I can’t believe it got published. That was my darker side. It was a rough day, I’m not so bad. I love my daughter, it’s fine when she makes noise and listens to ghastly music, but sometimes I just reach my breaking point. We all do, right?
GM: A-ha, a fellow misophonia sufferer! Join the club pal. Don’t be shy, share the article. Your audience should see your nasty, sinister side.
DP: (no comment)
GM: Any more questions? I need to get cracking on some posts. Is that what you call these things on Substack, posts?
DP: Yes. You can also write notes too. I’m sure you have a lot of bite-sized nuggets people will get a kick out of.
GM: You bet I do. I can’t wait. The world isn’t ready for my level of grumpiness. It’s legendary.
DP: Sure, whatever pal.
Groucho’s newsletter is The Cantankerous Curmudgeon, but he will be popping up sporadically to do guest posts on my page, especially over the summer since I’ll be busy teaching and travelling.
If you’d like to subscribe directly to his page as well as instead of mine – you’ve been warned what to expect – you can do so. Anything to add?
GM: No, hurry up.
DP: For my regular audience, chapter 1 of Whatever My Book is Called is coming in my next post and I’ll be posting a chapter (or two) every week. I’m also publishing the book (ebook and print) late summer/early autumn for those who can’t wait to find out what happens.
GM: That’s the name of your book? What kind of name is that?
DP: No, I haven’t finalised the name yet. It was originally titled Write to Die, but I scrapped that and am deciding between The Final Draft and Death by Manuscript.
GM: You haven’t decided on a title yet? What’s wrong with you?
DP: (exasperated sigh…) Anyway, the early reviews have been decent, so-
GM: Ha! What reviews?
DP: Did you just interrupt me? Shouldn’t you be practising what you preach?
GM: Touché.
DP: Wait…that sounds like something AI would say.
GM: How dare you! Don’t even get me started on AI, why you lousy no good stinkin’ nincompoop-
DP: Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, Groucho, I do appreciate it.
GM: -wretched piece of maggot breath jerk dipshit-
DP: Do Groucho’s fragile ego a favour and subscribe to that miserable bastard’s newsletter. Trust me when I say it’s highly entertaining. And disturbing.
GM: -you malcontent cockamamie numpty muppet…
[interview cuts off]
Groucho’s first post with a brief introduction is here:
Subscribe if you’d like to hear his rants on a regular basis.
Or don’t.
Coming up in my next post: at long last, chapter 1 of my eagerly awaited novel.
GM: Eagerly awaited by whom, may I ask?
DP: Shut up Groucho. Scram!
If you have any strong thoughts one way or the other on the title between The Final Draft and Death by Manuscript, speak up. You might want to wait and see how the story develops before weighing in.
If you want to read the article I recently had published that Groucho referenced, it’s in The Martello Journal. But you’ve been warned - it does show a bit of my darker side. What can I say, I was in rare inspired form.
(my contribution can be found on page 53)
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So pleased to know the identity of that creep I elbowed out of the way.
Nincompoop, cockamamie, and scram….you sound like gangsters from the 20s 🤣🤣