I gave a 22-year-old the best advice of her life, apparently
Nice to know I'm good for something
It’s the day after Thanksgiving and this post is a smorgasbord of treats.
Let me start by saying thank you to my readers and thank you to the other wonderful writers on Substack who continue to overload fill up my inbox with such terrific content writing. We’re spoilt for choice these days, and I’m grateful for those who take the time to read my drivel nonsense brilliant and insightful material crap ‘whatever’. It means a lot.
Many of my posts are long. I’m aware of that and am in awe of those who can keep theirs concise. At the same time, I love many of the longer form posts, but I realise we’re all different with our attention spans, busy schedules, etc.
What’s that old Blaise Pascal quotation? Something along the lines of “sorry this is so long, I didn’t have the time to make it shorter.”
That said, here’s some advice – take it!
Like a typical Thanksgiving, this post is a mishmash potluck potpourri. You can jump around – there’s something for everyone (like mac and cheese and roast turkey) and there’s stuff you may want to skip (like brussels sprouts and green bean casserole).1
The menu is below, broken up into handy sections. Skim, scroll, skip, read…there’s no right or wrong way to read a post like this. It’s a selection of…musings.2
I know many read these via email, though I prefer the app or browser (and I even send posts to my Kindle via Instapaper). Images might be slow to load in the email and the browser version allows you to skip to a topic easily (see those lines on the left?).
That being said - language learners, take note, it’s another participle clause! - here’s today’s menu. See what whets your appetite.
Giving thanks to a few people (briefly)
Hanging out with Ukrainian literati and musings on Ukrainian literature
Train complain (sic)/Trains complains (sic)/Training complaining (sic); Train complaints (fine)
Book and NaNoWriMo updates, including a reader poll (how fun!)
Socialising and networking and its challenges for a hermit like me
Not understanding what the hell millennials and Gen Z are talking about – with a separate audio post coming soon
My upcoming rebrand/refresh and descent into a dark[er] place
Giving a young woman the best advice of her life – unless she was taking the piss
What’s the best/worst advice you’ve ever received?
Some brilliant Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gift ideas
Giving thanks – let’s get this over with
As I’ve mentioned before, there’s too much over-thanking at times (Thank you for your email! WHY?), so let’s keep this section of profuse thanks mercifully short:
to my friends, family, followers, readers, those who like/comment on posts, other Substack writers who write such good stuff, and the people who’ve bought my book
to Ukraine, for so many reasons
Hobnobbing with Ukrainian literati & literary musings thoughts
One more note of thanks to start this part off – my landlady, for telling me about the Vienna Book Festival. Even though I try to stay on top of cultural events, I somehow missed this one. My landlady periodically sends me updates about goings-on – a massive thank you, Sonja!
Over four days, I had a splendid time meeting Ukrainian writers, filmmakers, storytellers and musicians. I admit that part of my motivation for attending was to shamelessly market my book, and so I had a few copies I was lugging around. I mostly wanted to meet some new people, hear about their projects and give them my book as a way of saying ‘thanks.’
I truly didn’t expect what was to come of this.
This is Iryna Tsilyk, author and filmmaker (I’m the ugly one on the right):
Her projects are fascinating and she has a wonderful outlook, describing the “whimsical contrasts” of everyday life in Ukraine.
You can read about her here:
‘I want space for jokes’: how film-maker Iryna Tsilyk captures surreal life in Ukraine
An article she wrote for the Guardian:
‘Yesterday a missile hit. Tonight, we have poetry’: the writers drawing crowds on Ukraine’s frontlines
She shared my book and the embarrassing inscription on Facebook (thanks, Iryna!) and I suddenly had loads of new followers and a few book sales. I was rather chuffed, to put it mildly.
I also chatted to and gifted books to Roman Trubchaninov, a jazz musician from Mariupol, and Oksana Maslova, a writer and playwright from Odessa. They were both lovely people.
Tanya Malyarchuk is from Ivano-Frankivsk and based in Vienna. Check out her short story, The Rat
On Saturday it was off to Bratislava for a talk by Andrey Kurkov, author of Death and the Penguin, which I first read in the early 2000s before I’d ever been to Ukraine. Along with The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles, it’s probably the book that I’ve gifted the most over the years.3
I asked a similar question at each event, about the availability and promotion of Ukrainian literature in English, as well as changing attitudes in Ukraine to reading the Russian classics. This is an extremely divisive and contentious issue which I will revisit at a later date (I’m working on a longer piece for publication elsewhere).
The most important point for now: there is already plenty of great Ukrainian literature out there and much more in translation is on the way.
A final note of thanks, and it’s a big thanks: to Olga Krystyuk, who so kindly invited me to Bratislava for Andrey’s talk, and for her generosity and hospitality. Read more about her project FreeArt.
Train complaining
A lot of people find this topic tedious and dull, but I love whingeing talking about and listening to travel logistics complaints. Consider it a guilty pleasure.
It was prompted by something Iryna posted on FB about her problem with a Polish train. That led to a flood of comments from her mostly Ukrainian followers about the deplorable state of European rail networks, notably Deutsche Bahn.
I’m tempted to tell a story about one hell of an ‘adventure’ my daughter and I had on a recent Deutsche Bahn trip but thankfully for you, my dear audience, I have refrained.
Let me just shatter a illusion you might have, especially those based in the US and UK: German trains suck. Just about every experience sucks. Austrian trains are only marginally better. We all know the UK has its fair share of train kerfuffle and that trains don’t exist at all in the US (haha – don’t say anything).
The Ukrainians weighing in on the issue had nothing but bad experiences to report on European trains and guess what – they make a great point. Because guess what – Ukrainian trains are terrific in comparison. Believe me, I have some epic stories of crazy adventures and the wretched state of the toilets, but they are efficient, usually on time and very affordable.
It’s only in Ukrainian for now and full disclosure, I have not read it, but it’s by one of my former students and has received rave reviews. TL;DR - the Ukrainian railways are run by admirable people and the way they’ve kept the trains running over the past few years is nothing short of heroic.
I’ve been pestering her about the English translation - no word yet.
I’ll save my own train misadventures for a future book.
Book and NaNoWriMo updates
As this post goes to print, it’s the penultimate day of NaNoWriMo and I’m right at 45,052 words, just shy of 5,000 words to make the target. That means two frenzied days of writing right up until midnight Saturday.
Let’s see what this becomes. I have no idea if it’s good, but I’m about to send the first 2-3 chapters to a loyal band of beta readers to get their feedback. I’ll definitely be publishing it in some form, that’s for sure.
Here’s the opening line, which my dear pal and world famous journalist the G-Man refers to as prime real estate:
‘What do you mean that I’m going to die if I finish my book?’
How’s that for a hook?
In other book news – by mid-December, I’m hoping to have a different book to give away absolutely free to all of my loyal readers.
And I’ve completed the first draft of my second book, which I’ll be revising as soon as I finish my novel. That’s a book 100% geared towards language learners, but I swear it will be really interesting. No boring grammar/vocab stuff, just riveting stories meant to entertain and educate at the same time. Just like 95% of my usual writing.
Socialising and networking with millennials and Gen Z and having the piss taken out of me because I struggle with their slang
I don’t get out all that much these days (I’m not complaining) so when I do, especially with younger generations, inevitably language issues pop up. They can be fun.
As I’ve lamented on [Substack] Notes this week, I’ve only now discovered what Netflix and Chill really means, and I cringe to think about the number of times I might have used it over the years and had my students misinterpret it. Oh God, no, I swear, I had no idea, I thought it was literal! I had little solidarity amongst fellow readers – I seem to be in the extreme minority.
I truly thought it was sitting down to watch a bit of Cobra Kai, Stranger Things or Dark and hanging out with some plonk or sushi.
After Andrey Kurkov’s talk, I was invited out with him and his entourage (again, thank you, Olga) as well as his wife and my former colleague Elizabeth, where I got chatting with a charming Ukrainian-Italian couple in their late 20s, the Slovakian publisher of Kurkov’s latest book Grey Bees (who was around my age, thankfully), and a 22-year-old Ukrainian woman.4
The youngsters were having fun at my expense, but it was great craic and the banter was terrific (from my perspective, at least).
In a nutshell – it’s hard to keep up with all this newfangled slang and I’m not even sure I need to. My students taught me a few [innocent, I hope?] words over the years.
Let’s not even get into emojis for fear of really embarrassing myself. I can’t say I know what the aubergine/eggplant emoji means and there’s another one my former student and ever-so-loyal reader
mentioned that looks like raindrops or tears. (I was too scared to ask; she will no doubt be enlightening me/us within seconds of reading this.)As a nice little bonus, I’ll have an audio post/podcast talking about this in more detail early next week to get December off to a cracking start. Stay tuned - literally.
An exciting new refresh and rebrand
Next Friday (6 Dec), this newsletter will take on a Jekyll and Hyde nature, with one half branching off into a dark, dark place. It will be fun (for me), I promise. And if you don’t like the dark side of me, you can stay on the light(er) side.
If that sounds cryptic, great – I’m trying to build intrigue and suspense.
The advice I gave Tania
“Can you give me some life advice?”
After they were done taking the piss (all in good fun, I tell you!), Tania, the 22-year-old, threw this question at me, out of nowhere.
“Woah, what?”
I mean…where to begin? What to say?
This is similar to the same question I used to get from my students that eventually prompted me to finally give up and write my own damn book:
“Can you recommend a good book to improve my English?”
I mean…where to begin? What to recommend?
Readers, I want you to think about the best (and worst) life advice you received in your first 22 years (or fewer, in the case of a handful of you). Or better, some good or bad advice you got in your earlier years. Teachers have a habit of asking what I call high-pressure questions about the best or worst something (decision, trip, book, etc). That can be hard, so let’s settle for a mere good or bad.
The truth is, I can only remember a couple of pieces of advice, other than being told a thousand times not to eat yellow snow.
One thing that has stuck with me is what my 9th grade biology teacher, Mr Clement, told us. He said many of us would work in jobs that hadn’t been created yet, and we all thought he was nuts. You mean, no more doctors, teachers or lawyers?
The only other advice comes from a dear friend who I can’t name publicly since he’s a well-known figure in his field and I’d hate to get him cancelled. We’ll refer to him as I did in my previous blog as Dr Wasabi Islam. In advance, these might be un-PC and not woke, but I will take a chance, because as you’ll see in just a minute, I don’t really give a shit anymore.
The first: life is like a Chinese restaurant. Nothing gets wasted.
The second: don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.
Both have served me well.
Tania thought the advice I gave her was good - I did not dare share Dr Wasabi Islam’s pearls of wisdom.
It’s connected with my rebrand and refresh and it’s something I’ve been talking about a lot lately.
In short, try not give a fuck about what people think. Don’t compare yourself to others. Do whatever the hell you like, others’ opinions be damned. Read a lot. Don’t overthink or overcomplicate things. Don’t worry about FOMO, especially with social media. Most of the crap you see isn’t real; the reality is far messier, but far more authentic. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Don’t take life too seriously. There are ups and downs so don’t expect to be happy all the time. In the long run, you’ll most likely be fine.
And more words to that effect.
If only we could all follow the advice we dish out.
None of that advice is profound or truly original, let’s be honest. But the key point I tried to stress was this – people get to a certain age where they start saying, I don’t give a [whatever] anymore, I’m just going to do and say what I want. Or there’s a variation of ‘if only I knew then what I know now.’ This is somewhat of a paradoxical bit of counterintuition (you with me?), but on one hand, yes, it would be great to have known at a younger age what we know at a later one and not give a shit then, but then that defeats the whole purpose of living and experiencing this through your own eyes.
I hope I didn’t give Tania the wrong advice and scar her for years.
But do you know what she said to me?
“I think I’m already kind of your age in spirit.”
I wasn’t sure how to take that. Uh…thanks?
She seemed pleased with my rambling anyway. Either that, or she’s unfailingly polite and is now writing her own post about some delusional old cynical grouch who hasn’t got a clue about life and thinks he doesn’t give a shit about anything whereas I saw right through his bullshit and he probably thinks he’s some profound wise man when he’s actually nothing but a wiseass, lol, #hashtag aubergine, Netflix and chill is sooooooo last decade, omg!
A final note here, and I quote Christopher Hitchens from his memoir, Hitch 22:
“I need a rectal thermometer to detect the rate at which I’m becoming an old fart.”
And finally – brilliant Christmas gift ideas
I have an idea. It’s not a great one, but if you’re desperate and out of ideas, then you could do worse.
If you’re fed up with me shoving my book down your throats, here’s an even better idea. Why not support some Substack writers? There are a few who have published books, all of which I’ve already purchased or am about to.
(Sorry, who have I missed?)
In the comments below, I’d love to hear some good/bad advice you’ve given or received over the years and feel free to insult me and call me bad names if you think I deserve it – I can’t blame you honestly! You mustn’t let me get away with these shenanigans.
(Seriously though – I love hearing examples of the best and worst advice – please do share.)
I love brussels sprouts. Green bean casserole, not so much.
A few of you are well aware of my obsession with this word. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s fine, but it’s EVERYWHERE on Substack. At first I thought there was a requirement that we had to use this word somewhere.
Andrey Kurkov has at least 16 books translated into English, mostly fiction.
A funny story about Andrey Kurkov and Elizabeth. Shortly after I arrived in Kyiv, I was sat at a computer in the staff room chatting to Elizabeth about Andrey. Thankfully I was saying nice things, notably about how much I loved Death and the Penguin and how my ex-girlfriend had introduced me to it years earlier. When I asked her whether she knew Andrey, she answered, “Well, I should hope so, I’m married to him.”
The best advice I've had, which I'm trying to pass on to my kids: look after your teeth and look after your back. And thanks for the shout out 😊
Thank you, Daniel! Maybe, it sounds a bit cynical but thank your that, first of all, your book and your posts (and this one in particular) are doing exactly what are they supposed to do for me, as an English language learner - they whet my "English language appetite" and I always have some new, interesting phraseological units I can put in use right away. And simultaneously ( o gosh, I'm keeping to struggle with this word pronunciation) your posts are the mental pabulum for me and source of amusement at the same time. These are my musings:)
"Then means Never" - that's my top advice I was told in my early 20th and I often use it as my life moto.