It’s flash fiction, baby

We take a break from NaNoWriMo for something different

‘Okay class, it’s time for your short stories on the theme of flash fiction that seems to be a thing these days. You get 15 minutes to write what you can. Remember, you’re aiming for a complete story with some kind of ending. I don’t want to hear any of this ‘wait, I’m not finished crap.’ Get going and let’s see how we all get on.’

The class worked away for 15 or so minutes.

‘Time’s up! Who wants to go first?’

First to volunteer was Mia. Which was odd, because the teacher noticed that she spent only a couple of minutes writing and then put her pen down.

‘There was a famous author doing a literary event, he was reading from his latest book, The Art of Fiction, and there was a huge crowd with cameras and those old-fashioned lightbulbs. As soon as he started reading, all the cameras lit up and people took a bunch of photos.’

‘That’s it?’ asked the teacher. ‘I don’t get it.’

‘You said flash fiction, right? The author was reading something about fiction, and there were loads of flashes from the cameras.’

The teacher shook his head. ‘Oh boy, that’s not what I meant by flash fiction. Anyway, who’s next?’

Bobby raised his hand.

‘There were two twelve-year told twin brothers who went to a Halloween party. One of them had dressed up as a book, the other as a journal. They had such strange costumes because their parents were serious literary authors and even though they were made fun of at school for having odd names, their parents insisted on them using their given names to reflect the literary nature of their family. Let’s just say that all things considered, they were socially awkward.

They were at this party trying to have a good time, admiring all the costumes. They noticed a couple of Frankensteins, a Dracula, some vampires, a cat, a pumpkin and a group of friends who came as superheroes.

Suddenly, a partygoer dressed in a red costume with bits of yellow ran quickly past the twins.

‘Who was that?’ asked one twin.

‘That was Flash, Fiction.’

‘Okay, thanks Fact.’

The teacher muttered under his breath.

‘Um, well, thanks Bobby. Interesting story. Inventive, I must say. Who’s next?’

Amaya volunteered.

‘I can’t even remember my first day of school. It was over in a flash.’

Silence.

‘That’s it?’ asked the teacher. ‘That’s the story? It’s not even fiction, is it?’

‘It is,’ said Amaya. ‘Because I actually do remember my first day of school. It was a long day, a terrible day, so bad I want to forget it. So I made this up to overcome the trauma of it being such a bad day because I want to remember it as being over in a flash, but you’ve brought up all this old trauma by questioning me with that condescending attitude of yours, ‘teacher’. That’s why it’s ‘fiction’, duh.’

‘Okay, Amaya, sorry, no need to get snarky. What happened on that first day, may I ask, that was so traumatic?’

‘I peed my pants.’

Giggles from the class.

‘Knock it off everyone, it’s not funny. We’ve all peed our pants at some point in our lives. We’ve all soiled ourselves once or twice as well.’

Pfffffffffftttt…thrrrrrrrrrrrp….

Giggles from the class.

‘Goodness gracious, who the hell was that? What did I tell you about farting in the classroom, huh? I hope that’s not a smelly one. Anyway, who’s next?’

It was Margarita’s turn.

‘Jack and Diane were going to a nightclub. Jack was only 19 and so he had a fake ID. He was a football star. Diane was a 37-year-old debutante, it’s a long story, and didn’t need one. This was in New York, so Jack needed to be 21, and Diane was his girlfriend, it’s a long story, but it’s not important here. Anyway, Jack was nervous that his fake ID wouldn’t work, so he had a strategy. A simple, but effective one.

When they got to the front of the queue to the bouncers, he flashed his ID so quickly that the bouncers barely had a chance to register. And it worked, they went in and had a great time. I ran out of time, but in part two of the story, Jack and Diane went to a recording studio and sang a ditty about themselves before going to get chili dogs at the Tastee Freez.’

The teacher was perplexed.

‘Right, thanks, cool story. I guess. A bit discombobulated, but fine, sure. I don’t understand the end.’

‘Wait a minute, that’s it, ‘fine’? I did what you asked. I wrote a story, totally 100% original, I didn’t get any inspiration from anywhere, and I used the word ‘flash’ in it. Isn’t that what you always tell us? If we want to activate vocabulary, we have to use the new words you give us?’

She had a point.

‘Bullshit!’ shouted Mark. ‘I’m calling bullshit – you didn’t write that story, it’s from a song!’

‘No, it isn’t, you dipshit, shut your trap before I shut it for you.’

‘That’s enough, both of you! Let’s cut it out with the name calling you numpties. Um, thanks for that, Margarita. I think we have time for one more, and the rest we’ll get to on Thursday. One more volunteer?’

Jason raised his hand. No one else did. Jason was the class clown, and the teacher really did not want to hear his story.

He sighed. ‘Alright Jason, let’s hear it.’

‘Cool, right, let’s go. So, this dude and his friends went to a bar, and it was crowded with loads of hot chicks. Dude, I mean, a lot of hot totty, isn’t that what you Brits say, totty, what a dumb word, but man, anyway, this dude – not you, dude, but this dude and his mates, haha, mates, yeah, so they went to a bar and saw a bunch of birds, chirp, chirp, haha, and they ran up to them and pulled down their pants, or should I say trousers, and mooned them! Ha ha, get it?’

The teacher was exasperated.

‘No, I don’t get it. What the hell kind of story is this?’

‘What don’t you get, dude? It’s simple. It’s what you told us to do. They flashed them! But it's not true, I made it up, so it’s fiction!’

‘Really now, what was that?’

‘It’s flash fiction, baby!’